Behold, the time is nigh, Washingtonians: The 15th season of The Bachelorette kicks off Monday.
This year, peer a little closer at the contestants. There, in the midst of the herd of henley-clad real estate agents named Chad, lies one of our own: DC resident Luke Stone.
The Fraioli & Associates fundraising consultant is off to the Bachelor mansion to try to win the heart of Hannah B., who was dumped last season by previous Bachelor Colton Underwood.
Hannah B. deserves to find some lovin’—not only was she dumped on national television, but she was dumped on national television by freaking Underwood, who has the personality of a deep-fried Twinkie.
But will Stone (who will be known as Luke S. on the show because, naturally, there’s another contestant named Luke) be the one to charm the dimples off Hannah B., mending the heart broken by said Twinkie Man?
Because I am nosy and because (somehow) I am paid to do this kind of stuff and, yes, perhaps because I wanted a reason to watch Bachelorette YouTube clips at my desk, I went down the rabbit hole stalking Sir Stone.
Let’s roll away the stone, shall we? Herewith, I present my dossier.
He used to work part-time at Stoney’s on P Street
Stone worked at the Logan Circle bar when not at his day job. (And, yes, it is a requisite that your last name be Stone to work at Stoney’s, and, yes, that is one of the easiest jokes I’ve ever made.)
Knowing how to handle alcohol is good practice for the Bachelor mansion, where I’m pretty sure all the contestants are just fed a constant stream of cheese boards and drum barrels of tequila. (Also, his manager said she wouldn’t pick him if she was on the Bachelorette. Burn!)
He knows how to wine-and-dine
He once took someone on a date to Maydan, according to his manager. While he won’t be scouring OpenTable for reservations while on The Bachelorette, the Maydan date is a good indication that Stone likes fine dining. Good practice for all the waterfall-side tables for two he’ll be sharing with Hannah B. in <Insert Exotic Locale Here> this season!
He once met Bill Clinton
I feel like there’s a joke I could make about how Bill Clinton would THRIVE in the Bachelor mansion, but I’m just gonna leave this one here.
He also once met Charlie Sheen
Yeah, just gonna drop this one here, too.
He hails from Marion, Massachusetts
His hometown calls itself “a delightful residential town, felt by its residents to have rare natural beauty and charm,” which is exactly the kind of thing I would expect a New England maritime village founded in 1679 to say on its website. A quick Google search confirms my suspicions: Yep, this place has a quaint AF general store and cedar-shingled homes galore. It’s also only about an hour from the Kennedy compound in Hyannis Port, soooo…basically Stone is American royalty?
He used to model for Vineyard Vines
Good practice for when he becomes a protein shake spokesperson on Instagram post-Bachelorette.
He went to GW, where he rowed and was a member of the Sigma Chi fraternity
Stone graduated from college in 2013, and his interests include Red Bull energy drinks, Bird scooters, Roku streaming devices, and alkaline water (and yes, I did just pull all of this from his LinkedIn page. Congrats on the public speaking endorsements, Stone!).
He’s had a crush on Hannah B. for a while
Stone was excited when he found out the Bachelorette was Hannah B., DCist reported. As he should be! The dimples! The Southern drawl! The artful balayage highlights! (Although she did fall in love with Twinkie Man, but, you know, we’ll cut her some slack.)
He DOES NOT know how to craft an opening line
Every sentient woman watching this just gouged out one of their eyeballs. Even Chris Harrison was disturbed, and that man has seen it all! Stone’s introduction definitely gives me Creepy-Bro-Following-You-Around-U-Street-Bar-At-2 AM vibes, but who knows? Perhaps this stone is just a little rough around the edges (okay, I’m done now).