Project Runway Recap: Slutty, slutty, slutty!

Every Thursday, we recap the previous night’s Project Runway. This week, the insanely cheerful Brooke Shields sends our fearless contestants into a fashionable tizzy.

The best and worst designs from last night's episode. Photographs courtesy of Bravo.

And here we go! Your fearless recapper had the pleasure of enjoying this week’s show with family, which involved explaining to my father that Project Runway and the subsequent airing of Shear Genius were two different shows. (He was quite confused). But we digress. Let’s move to the recap, shall we?

After some gratuitous exercising footage—does Daniel always wear plaid pants when lifting weights? Weird!—we’re back with Heidi on the runway. I’m glad they’ve decided to fully dispense with the tedious choosing-the-same-model-every-time process, but I sure do miss those tacky oversized buttons with everyone’s names on them.

Back in the studio, everyone starts speculating on who the “high-powered and glamorous professional woman” they’ll be designing for this week will be. Blayne hopes it’s not Hillary Clinton, because he would be forced to make her a neon pantsuit. Which is a hilarious image. There is also speculation that it could be Nancy Grace (um, who?), Joan Rivers, or Sharon Osbourne. Obviously, Project Runway’s lengthy history of bringing on D-list personalities has had much bearing on the contestants’ guessing games. At least they’re being realistic.

Kelli: What are you doing, Daniel?

Daniel: Um, looking for some class in this dress. Nope. Nada.

In the end, it’s a celebrity everyone can actually recognize at first sight! (Sorry, Apolo Ohno, but no one had a clue who you were at first.) Brooke “So. Much. Hair!” Shields steps into the studio, all smiles and bigger smiles. Everyone embarks on a sketching process to make an outfit for Brooke’s Lipstick Jungle character, Wendy. I’ve got to say, this batch of contestants can sketch impressively well.

Or, at least everyone except Kenley, who immediately offends Brooke by drawing her design complete with super-super-exaggerated saddlebags. Oops! Most of the designers who meet up with Brooke in the “Project Runway Lounge”—um, where did this lounge suddenly materialize from?—earn the Brooke seal of approval. She seems to like everything—even Kelli’s hideously literal leopard-print sheath. (Brooke: “It’s the jungle! It’s the juuuungle!”)
Back in the studio, Tim delights us by pulling out those ridiculous oversized buttons to help the contestants divide into teams of two. Keith immediately picks Kenley, which suggests they must have resolved their Times Square smack-talking incident from a few episodes ago. No one wants Stella—surprise, surprise—and she ends up with Jerell. We have a burst of excitement: Wouldn’t it be awesome if they both got eliminated in one fell swoop?

Dumb and dumber: Fashion edition.

Right away, the head-butting begins. Kenley and Keith spar over a selection of hideous gauzy florals. Suede and Terri are at odds over his construction of their floral top. (Terri lets loose: “I don’t know what he’s packing—balls or va-jay-jay!”) Everyone, including Tim Gunn, continues to harp on the Importance of This Challenge. Why, your design will be featured on national television! No one seems to get the irony. (Also: Does Lipstick Jungle have higher ratings than PR? Because we took an informal poll of our group, and no one had even seen it. And Dad, who can surprisingly be on top of these things, had never even heard of it.)

Tim Gunn comes to check in on the designers and, for the first time ever, it looks like almost everyone is doing fabulously. Tim and Terri and Suede even indulge in a healing triple-hug session. Only Korto and Goatee Joe seem to be struggling with their “sweet potato” sack of a jacket. Goatee Joe tried to sell Korto out at this point, but—as she points out—she’s got immunity and it’s not her butt on the line. They retire to the Project Runway Lounge—again with the lounge!—to talk it out.
And on to the runway show! In the minutes before departure, Tim states: “I see some of you are still sewing question mark?” We have decided from now on to announce our punctuation at the end of grandiose statements as well. Love it exclamation point!

Keith: What do you think?

Kenley: I hate it. It sucks. You suck. Leatha Stella sucks. Daniel sucks. Tim Gunn sucks. Everyone SUCKS. Except me. And my “quirky” floral print.

The runway show is surprising fun and nicely short. We continue to hate Jerell’s designs, even though Brooke likes it so much she gives his a super-special super-smile when it passes on the catwalk. We appreciate Keith’s convertible day-to-night shoulder drape, but we cannot support any outfit that has a cut-out shoulder in the sleeve. Really, is it 1996? It’s pretty clear that Daniel and Kelli’s hideous stripper outfit—dubbed by Michael Kors’ as “slutty, slutty, slutty!”—and Blayne’s Ann Taylor-esque shorts-and-cap-sleeve blouse combo are the bottom of the bunch.

Hilarious defense of said designs ensues. Daniel makes grandiose statements about his excellent taste, prompting Kenley to laugh out loud on the runway. We had been totally Team Kenley, but she’s definitely not making any friends with that kind of super-immature behavior. Blayne defends his shorts by saying, “You all know that I’m a little crazy!” and you hear Brooke protesting in the background, “I just met you!” Sorry, Brooke, but we’re pretty sure Blayne projects “crazy” from minute one.

Kenley and Keith and Keith’s hideous bandannas are the big winners, and Kelli is out for her unfortunately skimpy design, which even she admits is a bit “hoochie mama.” Oh, but we’re already moving on to next week’s excitement! Drag queens! Over-the-top costumes! “The most fabulous show in the history of Project Runway!” (According to Tim, at least.) Even Dad is intrigued. Stay tuned exclamation point!

What did you think of this week's Project Runway episode? Leave your thoughts in the comments below!

Read last week’s recap here, and check back next Thursday for Betsy’s Project Runway recap!

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