Well. Well, well, well, well, well. We were expecting President Obama to up his settings from “professorial” to “paranoid android” in the last debate. What we weren’t expecting was for the two candidates to circle each other like dogs in Michael Vick’s garage before jabbing at each other so awkwardly they made even the assembled Long Islanders uncomfortable.
What this means for tonight’s debate is, again, anybody’s guess. But at least now we’ve had a taste of what Barack is cooking, and with foreign policy firmly on the agenda, we’re going to go ahead and recommend liquor. Lots of it. And Buffalo wings, because, you know, this is America.
Round One: Warmup
In the spirit of tonight’s international theme, we recommend Guinness, Heineken, or Dos Equis, because there’s no one less like the Most Interesting Man in the World than Mitt Romney.
One sip: Whenever Iran is mentioned.
Two sips: When Obama and Romney pronounce “Ahmadinejad” differently.
Swig: If poor old neglected Iraq gets a look-in.
Chug: If anyone pronounces it “new-kyoo-ler.”
Round Two: National Security
Middle Eastern wine, if you can find any. If not, paint stripper should do the trick.
One sip: For “terrorism” or “Afghanistan.”
Two sips: For “Benghazi,” “Tehran,” “Ayatollah” (because he’d really hate it), or “Osama bin Laden.”
Swig: If Ann Romney shoots Obama one of her patented death stares.
Chug: If Tagg Romney leaps to his feet and tries to take a swing at Obama.
Round Three: Trade
Stolichnaya, Grey Goose, or Gordon’s Gin.
One sip: Whenever Romney says how tough on China he’s going to be.
Two sips: When Romney mentions everything else he’ll do on his first day as President, blithely forgetting that first days are when HR makes you fill out all the paperwork and you have to sit through two hours of IT training.
Swig: Whenever either candidate mentions the size of their, ahem, portfolio.
Chug: If they whip out their portfolios and force the American people to compare them.
Round Four: Diplomacy
Sippin’ vodka, sake, or Scotch.
One sip: If someone mentions sitting down with President Ahmadinejad.
Two sips: Whenever either candidate refers to Israel as an “ally.”
Swig: If Romney accuses Obama of apologizing for America.
Chug: If Obama laughs at Romney for causing everyone in England to call him “Mitt the Twit.”
Round Five: All Bets Are Off
Well vodka, sake bombs, or absinthe if you must.
One sip: If Bob Schieffer crinkles his eyes and looks amused because the candidates are interrupting each other.
Two sips: If either candidate goes back to talking about the economy. Because, zzzzzzzz. They’ve been doing it for the last 18 months and they still haven’t managed to actually say anything useful.
Swig: If Romney mentions the Olympics. Because zzzzZZZZZZZZZ.
Chug: If Obama recalls moments from his international childhood, Dreams From My Father-style. Bonus chugging if you have that book on your shelf but have never actually read it.