Tales From the Groom: B.I.O. Hazard

The groom looks at new places for wedding announcements

Kristin and I continued our media blitz on DC this week and joined the cavalcade of couples who appear in the Washington Post Express “B.I.O.” section (in last Monday’s edition), where we officially announced our imminent nuptials to the world.

I mean, if I’m spilling my guts here, we might as well go all out.

Now, I’m not sure if the people at the Express turn down wedding announcements, but they do put you through a battery of questions before they publish your details. I assume they do this to determine how interesting your story is, but I was left to wonder if they were judging whether our relationship had a chance to still be intact by the time they went to print. The whole process of filling out all their forms and then took only three weks to make it into print, which I thought was really quick. But when I think about that in comparison to the three days you need to wait to get married after applying for a wedding license, it makes me wonder if the Express might have a more realistic view of commitment.

Either way, we were thrilled to be in the paper.  

I have to say I was shocked by the number of people who reached out to me to say they saw it and how excited they were for us. I mean people I haven’t spoken to in a while, casual acquaintances in the office, and even people on the Metro who had just read the piece and happened to see me standing next to them.

It was all very sweet, and as cheesy as the wedding-announcement section of a paper can be, I think lots of people read that part of the paper because it inevitably puts the slightest of smiles on their faces. Yes, this world is a decent place, not everyone is a sex addict, and people can find happiness.

It got me thinking: A lot of people read the B.I.O. section, and it’s free to post your announcement there. Maybe a few other industries out there should think about including wedding announcements in their publications and charge for it. As with all wedding-related items, there’s more money to be sucked out of couples.

So for you modern-day Robber Barons, imagine wedding announcements in the following places:

• Pizza Mart pizza boxes.
• In Politico, publishing faux wedding announcements for politicians who are in bed with certain lobbyists.
• At the 9:30 Club, right between the listings for the GWAR and Vampire Weekend concerts.
• In Metro stations, instead of letting me know about the dozen or so elevators that don’t work.
• On soy-milk cartons.
• Drink coasters at bars.
• The ceiling at Trader Joe’s as you wait 30 minutes in line to buy your $2 Chuck, flax-seed chips, and edamame hummus.
• At Nationals games on the bases, because there’s no one standing on them anyway.
• In the back seats of taxis, replacing the arcane zone maps of DC.

I can see it now: “Hey, I saw you guys were getting married. Great picture of you on the back of that toilet-stall door!”

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