The Reluctant Groomzilla: Ch-ch-ch-changes . . .
You guys know the David Bowie song, right?
(turn and face the strain)
Just gonna have to be a different man
So what changes when you get engaged? I’ve had friends ask me if I feel any different, and I can’t really say I do. I sort of expected something to change, but when I think about it, if being engaged suddenly changes everything, then maybe getting engaged wasn’t the right thing in the first place.
But you know what does change? Your extremely intelligent, law-school-educated, big-book-reading fiancée suddenly becomes obsessed with two things: bridal magazines and wedding shows on TV. Let’s examine these strange phenomena, shall we?
Wedding magazines—Do you want to know what’s really causing global warming? Head down to your local megabookstore and, while cuddling yourself in the warm goodness that is a grande skinny latte with a sugar-free hazelnut shot (I recently learned Star-bonics), head to the magazine section. I swear that half the Amazon rainforest has been turned into paper for these magazines.
Funny story: A couple of weeks after we get engaged, we decide to buy a safe. We walk out with a nice-sized one that bolts to the floor and weighs enough to stay there. I'm carrying this thing out to the car when my fiancée sees a book store. Before I know it, we're over there and she's loading me up with magazines. I swear, by the time she was done I could barely see over the top of the pile. The funny part: The magazines weighed more than the safe!
Wedding TV shows—So I have gotten used to the fact that my fiancée likes bad TV. I have learned to tolerate America’s Next Top Model. (I know MTV stopped showing videos a long time ago, but did Tyra Banks buy the channel? Every time I flip past it, she’s on.) Scarily enough, I know why Heidi and Lauren are fighting on The Hills. But nothing could have prepared me for the onslaught of wedding shows that now fill the hard drive of the Tivo like junk e-mail.
As a general rule these shows seem to fall into two categories:
1. You can’t afford this.
If My Super Sweet 16 and Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous had mated, shows like Platinum Weddings would be their spoiled offspring. They all seem to consist of people with entirely too much money to spend. They even show the price tag at the end, and there was one that cost $1.3 million dollars. I can’t begin to describe how much this disturbs me, especially since it’s not like they hired Michael Bublé or anything!
2. Feel better about yourself because as crazy as you are, you are not as messed up as this bride.
The basic plot line here is that the bride-to-be is so demanding that you are left wondering why anyone would want to marry this person. A great (terrible?) example is Bridezillas. Of course, what I really don’t get is why anyone would want to be on the show. I can see it now . . .
Producer: “Hi! We’re from a TV show where every one of our brides is crazy, demanding, overbearing, and rude, preferably with a future mother-in-law who hates her guts.”
Bride: “OH MY GOD! I totally want to be on that show! I watch it all the time!”
But do you want to know the worst thing that happens? It is a nice Saturday morning. Your fiancée is watching TV in the living room (a wedding show of course), and you walk in and before you can help yourself you hear yourself saying, “Yeah, I watched this one by myself the other day—I think the wedding planner’s name is . . . ,” and then you walk out with your tail between your legs.
How does the song go?
Just gonna have to be a different man.
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