News & Politics

The 10 Craziest Food Money Sex Posts of 2017

A look back at the most entertaining entries from our Food Money Sex column.

1. “I Couldn’t See, But I Knew We Were Having Sex”

“Tried to watch porn together. It was weird, but still ended in some nice morning sex. Wild somehow-standing sex after smoking some weed (ended right in time for the Girls finale).”

2. A Yoga Booty Call and the College Flame She Can’t Quit

“I receive a beautiful bouquet of flowers from my ‘guy’ who is out of town. I call to thank him for the beautiful sentiment. We discuss my poor decision to have sex with someone unworthy while he was out of town. At the time, I felt as though I were embracing my femininity but, in retrospect, it is obvious that I was settling.”

3. Birthday Drinks, Food Poisoning, and Shower Sex With a Vibrator Named JJ

“Dear God, I think I have food poisoning. There are unearthly things happening that are not fit for public consumption, pretty sure anything I ate on Saturday is now in the DC sewer system.”

4. Jello Shots, a $400 Handyman, and Morning Sex While Running Late

“I went to a pool party on Saturday night but it didn’t start until after 9pm. I wasn’t sure what the food situation was going to be like there but I also didn’t want to eat too much since I was going to be in a bikini shortly so I had some Vietnamese beef salad (more take-out from Huong Viet)—low carbs!—before I left for the party. I ended up having one hot dog while I was at the pool party and far too many drinks, including several Jello shots.”

5. Two Men, Three Meals, and None of It on My Credit Card

“Dinner is at Blue Duck Tavern with a man I have been seeing (who meets me at Espita), an absolutely perfect human specimen that I have become very infatuated with, but whose age difference (18 years) terrifies me. I have the pepper crusted tuna, and a glass of white wine.”

6. Dry Humping The Ex

“In a semi-tipsy state, I ended up consuming a shit ton of baked ziti, sour cream and onion chips, and some Sauvignon Blanc. The pinnacle of health = me. In a twist of events, I got a call from my ex as I was coming home late Friday night. Naturally, I picked up the phone and he came over and we had an extremely emotional and dramatic reunion.”

7. Pumpkin Chocolate Cookies and Loud Reunion Sex

“We have an after-dinner, before-drinks quickie which is all about babe, and I want it that way. He makes it up to me later that night with slightly drunk, raw, very passionate sex. It’s definitely some of the best I’ve ever had—and I’m pretty sure his neighbors heard me several times throughout the night. Sorry about that.”

8. Baking Bread and Creeping on an OkCupid Match IRL

“I step inside All-Purpose and order a Lambrusco at the bar. I notice the couple beside me at the bar, I’m 90 percent sure we had an exchange on OkCupid some months back, but nothing came of it. They are drinking a decent bottle of Pinot, and he is waxing on, dropping all the usual clichés about ‘terroir’ and a ‘wine’s sense of place.'”

9. The Recently Separated 26-Year-Old Who’s Sleeping With Three Men

“I see my FWB a.k.a. Guy #1. I met Guy #1 a few months ago on Tinder when I was in the open relationship part of my marriage. He comes over to mine so we can drive to MGM National Harbor and keeps kissing and biting my neck telling me how fantastic I look. Next we move to the bedroom, where I give him oral, then we move into doggy style. We refresh and head out for the night.”

10. Living With An Ex-Sister-in-Law in Arlington

“Some parents from my daughter’s school came in, recognized me, and had a bit of a ‘my two moms?’ look on their faces when they surveyed our setup—since ‘sister’ and I were sitting next to each other, trying each other’s drinks and sharing food while my daughter ate a mountain of guacamole and watched Frozen on her Kindle for the 10,000,000th time. To be fair, ‘sister’ has asked me to marry her, if only for the tax benefit and endless reality TV show possibilities: ‘I Divorced my Husband and Married his Sister.'”

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